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| Let's face it. The world has changed since Vlad's time. We don't hide in coffins during the day anymore. We don't stalk small villages looking for a meal. And thanks to the fact that weirdoes abound in society we can exist side by side with humans and go virtually unnoticed. However, there are certain vampire issues that must be managed. This page will help you do just that. |
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Fitting in at Holiday Gatherings. |
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So we have a couple of issues at stake (pardon the pun) here. First there’s the whole religious issue with church or synagogue or wherever it is your human friends go to observe the holy days. Then we have the celebratory issue, which typically involves feasting (on food).
Regarding the whole worshipping thing, just don’t go. If you’re dumb enough to agree to attend a service, you deserve what you get. Let me remind you—people will notice when you break out into a bloody sweat and fangs explode from your mouth. They will freak out when The Shift hits and your body takes on its natural hideous form. You will be disgustingly terrifying. And you’ll stink. |
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With the whole food thing, I'm a believer in a little never hurt anyone and it also goes a long way to making your friends feel good. Of course, I'm not a big chicken like some vampires. I live on the edge. I try new things. Waxing, remember?
Take small portions and even smaller bites. You never know, you might like something. It's how I discovered chocolate, wine and beer. Expand your horizons, you pansy-ass. |
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The Vibe
Okay, to fit into society it is absolutely imperative that you do not give off The Vibe. You know exactly what I'm talking about. That, "I'm a creepy vampire who sleeps in a coffin and I want to drink your blood" vibe. You absolutely must try to appear normal. Human-normal, not vampire-normal.
Don't stand still as a statue, unblinking, allowing your body temperature to drop to room temperature. The cold skin thing freaks people out. I don't even like it. In fact, most vampires I know can't stand it. Who the hell wants to cuddle up with a corpse? Nobody!
And for heaven's sake remember to breathe. It's not that difficult. Inhale. Exhale. But brush your damn teeth first. Don't make me go over that again. See below, if you've already forgotten that tip.
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~ Fashion DONT'S!~
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Fashion
For the love of God, put on some descent clothes. Try to fit in. You need to wear clothes that reflect the fact that you exist in the 21st century.
Mutton Chops went out 150 years ago. Buy a razor.
Women are allowed to show their elbows and knees now. Ditch the old lady nightgowns.
Just because you liked the look of Count Dracula does not mean you should dress like Bela Lugosi.
Also, you don’t need to wear black to every damn event. There are plenty of other colors! Try mixing it up a bit. You’re scary enough with that laser-beam gaze. Tone down the “I’m an evil vampire and I want to suck your blood” vibe. You aren’t winning anyone over with it.
And another thing- The Mullet was never cool. |
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Managing the Breath Issue
You are not going to have any friends with death-breath. Believe me. It doesn't matter how nice you are or how hot you are. If you're breath precedes your arrival into any room, building, town, state or country, you will not be well liked. There's no excuse for neglecting oral hygiene in this day and age. I'm not advocating visiting a dentist. How the hell would you explain your fangs? But I am telling you that no one wants to smell your bad breath. No one, not even the sweet little old lady down the street who's been extremely kind, tolerating your nightly visits, even baking cookies for you wants to smell your breath. |
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Often times the overpowering presence of your breath is the dead giveaway that you're not human. There's really no worse smell than vampire breath. You have to manage it and be ever vigilant in keeping it under control.
• Floss and brush your teeth, including your fangs.
• Gargle with mouthwash.
• Always carry sugarless mint-flavored gum and
sugarless breath mints.
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~ Dogs aren't the only ones
with breath issues! ~ |
Why does it have to be sugarless, you ask. Because sugar makes your breath stink, and you don't need any help in that area. And who knows, sugar might even rot vampire teeth. You don't want that, do you? You need those fangs, don't you? Depending on how atrocious your breath is you could also try chewing parsley or rosemary or mint leaves. You'll know if you need to do this when you think you hear a cow chewing cud and you realize it's actually you trying to cover up for your "issue" by chewing an entire pack of gum at one time. |
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